I've recently realized that, despite how difficult it was, moving to Halifax was the best thing I've ever done. Actually, perhaps I should say because of how difficult it was. I think for the past few years I was in a substantial rut. It occurred to me some time ago, that for the first time in my life, my life was consistent and stable, and I went a few years without any considerable changes. Constant relationships, employment, residence, etc. And at the time, I thought that might be a positive thing, a sign that I was "growing up" and past the flightiness of youth, but, in retrospect, I think that was a definite sign of being in a rut. Change is a goodthing. That's a difficult concept to embrace. Immobility is easy, but often what is easy is not what is good or useful.
Since I've moved to Halifax, I have abandoned everything I knew in my previous life. I left a relationship of 5.5 years; I left friends, acquaintances, a job, everything. And I was terrified. I was terrified I would absolutely fail to make friends; I was terrified that I would not be as successful at school as I was in my undergrad (which was extended for much longer than necessary because I was afraid of graduating and taking that next step), and I was terrified I would never find another relationship. But all of my fears are not only proving unfounded, but I am excelling where I've never excelled before.
I was disconcerted for the first month or so, because I didn't immediately understand everything. That sound ridiculous, of course, but that is how my mind thinks. I am GOOD AT SCHOOL. Period. It is the central component of my identity, and having that doubted for even a second shakes the core of my being. Previously, if I was doubting my ability to be an excellent student, I gave up. I didn't try. Because, of course, if I didn't try, I couldn't fail, right? And that marks most of highschool and the first few years of university. But, now...I doubted myself, I tried anyway, and I excelled beyond my own expectations, let alone anyone else's. I was terrifed especially that I wouldn't be as good as my peers in a program that only accepts 9 people, who, of course, excelled just as much as me during their undergraduate degrees. But I am their equals afterall.
The last few years in St John's, I was a social nightmare. Amy and Brian were my only close friends; I had brief acquaintances with many others, but I could never step over that line into friendship. Thus, moving to Halifax where I know no one was terrifying. Admittedly, I still struggle with crossing that "friendship line", but I'm progressing.
I might have a job, working in an audiology clinic. The opportunity came to be by chance alone, but the grasping of the opportunity was all me. A classmate told me of an audiology clinic in Bedford, the owner of which likes to hire students. She gave me the owner's phone number, and I called him and initiated the conversation which might lead to a very good job. I am going to go in on Friday to speak with him further, but I think, from our conversation on the phone, that I most likely have the job.
Ah, the biggest fear of all! Because, of course, I am only human, (and a girl), being alone is a terrible terrible fear. And I realize that it only gets more difficult the older I get to meet someone. AND, it becomes all the more imperative, the older I get, to find someone that I can really connect with. That being said, none of that has happened yet. lol BUT I do have a date tomorrow night, and furthermore, this is a date that came into being entirely by MY own action. Last weekend I was at a bar and, under the influence of much alcohol, I approached a guy to dance with me. Now, truthfully, that was alcohol acting, not me. But, I got his phone number (he had nothing with which to write down mine, and I had a cell phone which could easily record his), and then later, NOT under the influence of alcohol, I worked up the courage to call him and set up a date. And thus, tomorrow I will go on my first date in over 5 years, and the second first date I have ever gone on in my life. I am TERRIFIED. But pleased with myself.
So, the point of this very long journal entry, is that I have had exponential self-growth in the past few months since I began this new life in Halifax. And though I miss Brian, of course, and I miss aspects of my previous life, I wouldn't undo it for the world, because I am an amazingly better person for it. AND though the things that were difficult before are still difficult, they are not TOO difficult. They are not outside my ability to achieve, and the things that I am capable of achieving are that much clearer to me. I CAN DO ANYTHING. I don't believe it fully yet, but I am on the path to discovering this wholly important truth within myself.